I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
