i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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