All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
