i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
