There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
