I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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