With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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