I just made out with a guy for $7.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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