I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think my moral compass just broke
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
