first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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