Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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