Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it was like eating out sand paper
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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