You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
