stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
