My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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