just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
