smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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