The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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