So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
