I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
