this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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