she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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