I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
