Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
