what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
