just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
