On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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