The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
