Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
