so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
babies were throwing up all over the place
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
