Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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