in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
