And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
