I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
