i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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