Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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