mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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