Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
