it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
