I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
