I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize