I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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