after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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