Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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