The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
