I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
