maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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