I got chris browned last night
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
