my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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