There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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