Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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