Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
