Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
