3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
