I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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