Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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