can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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