we have pet lesbian snakes
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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