Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
