There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
