Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
