You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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