My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
