I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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