I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
