I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I need moral support for this bender
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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