you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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