I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
