How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
