Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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