that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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